Awake, And Sleep No Longer!
by Lady Sidera
Summary: Rodney wonders what it must have been like for his alternate self to die when Atlantis flooded. He soon finds you should be very careful what you wish for... Complete.


**Awake, And Sleep No Longer!**

Summary: Rodney wonders what it must have been like for his alternate self to die when Atlantis flooded. He soon finds you should be _very_ careful what you wish for...  
Central Character: Rodney.  
Categories: Angst, AU, Drama, H/C, Romance, Smarm.  
Placement: Tag/epilogue/missing scene for "Before I Sleep".  
Rating: PG-13 for graphic AU character death, and disturbing situations.  
Spoilers: "Before I Sleep", "Rising Parts I, II".  
Author's Note: I think I was about as disturbed by the AU bits of this episode as Rodney was. So this is my "fix-it" for both him and me. Starts out very disturbing, ends very sappy. I make no apologies for the sap. ;) And there are some romantic overtones, but no actual ship.  
Warning: This is a very intense and disturbing story! It contains AU **Character Death** scenes, so if you don't want to see that, you might not want to read this. It does turn out perfectly all right, but I think it's only fair to warn any unwitting readers.  
Disclaimer: Rodney, and all other characters, storylines, and aspects of Stargate Atlantis are not mine - they belong to MGM, SciFi, and the rest. I am not trying to steal anything or make any money, I am only trying to make myself feel better after being disturbed by their show.

2nd Author's Note: For those of you who read and enjoyed A Friend In Need (another BIG "Thank You" for all the lovely reviews!)... This is VERY different. Sheppard's hardly in it, for one thing, and it's a lot shorter for another. If you haven't been discouraged already by my extensive info and notes, there is something else that might make a few people stop in disgust halfway through... Sorry. ;) It's a bit controversial, and everyone is most certainly entitled to their own opinion.Finally, despite all my criticisms of this fic, I do really like it myself, and there are quite a few bits I'm really proud of.

So, if you're still with me here - read on... :)

* * *

_"I died...?"_

Rodney walked back to his room feeling very strange. And considering what had gone on in the last twenty-four hours, this shouldn't really have been much of a surprise.

The whole business with the alternative Elizabeth had set everyone on edge. They'd all suddenly come face to face with a possible universe, in which they had died - one that had happened. Well, until it had been changed. Now it hadn't.

Sort of.

Rodney shook his head. Probably the most disturbing thing about all this was, that for the alternative Weir to have changed the future and told them about it, was, in itself, confirmation of the fact that this alternative still did exist on some weird level.

Yet another example of how viewing something as a theory, and actually having it happen to you were two very different things. Rodney preferred theories - and he was fairly sure Einstein would have agreed with him. Because it's all very well to say you _could have_ died, but it's something else entirely to have someone come and tell you that you _did._

She had said that the City had flooded, had been truly lost, Rodney thought. He felt another pang of profound regret, as he had when he'd first heard that. The thought of his beautiful, amazing Atlantis dying beneath the waves forever was unthinkable. The City was one of the most important things in his life. That it could have flooded...

It _had_ happened. And Rodney had been there.

In some way, somewhere out there in the infinite possibilities of Time, he, Rodney McKay, had died. This was the thought that had haunted Rodney the most since the elder Weir had told that part of her story. He'd been there as the other Elizabeth died, he'd looked over the Gate addresses she'd given them, handed them over to Grodin in the control room - all with this thought in the back of his mind.

And now, it wasn't in the back any longer, but very much to the fore.

_"You never gave up trying. Right until the end."_

It _was_ good to know that he'd died heroically. If he had to die, that would be the way he'd want to go, he supposed. Though he'd really rather not go at all, given the choice. But, he thought, he really ought to be happy to _know,_ to have definitive proof that he had that sort of thing in him. Isn't that what anyone would want most? Shouldn't that make anyone happy?

Rodney was sure it should. But he didn't feel especially happy right now. He reached his room and activated the door with his head lowered, brooding in a disturbed world of his own, and sat down on the edge of his bed as the door closed itself behind him. The first rays of sunlight had started streaming through the windows of Atlantis, but Rodney didn't notice, didn't really care.

He just needed to be by himself for a little while, to think about this. Sheppard had distracted him at the time... He couldn't remember how, some snide remark or other. Was that when he'd made that "ultimate failure" crack? Whatever it had been, the normality had been a bit of a relief, really, at the time. But now...

Rodney felt he needed something more. Maybe... Maybe he felt he needed to come to terms with his own death.

She'd said he'd died well. But now Rodney was feeling that that was an oxymoron. Was there anything good about dying, even heroically?

_"Despite your efforts, there was nothing you could do, Rodney."_

And, of course, it really didn't help that he had failed when it came down to it. It would have been much nicer if his heroic death had actually involved saving anyone, instead of just trying.

Rodney ran a hand through his hair, trying to pinpoint the odd feeling inside of him.

He wished he knew more... He'd been there. Well, sort of. He'd - sort of - died. Shouldn't... shouldn't he, of all people, remember that?

He straightened up. That was it. It wasn't simply the fact that he'd died, it was that _he_ had _died._ Some version of him, which, presumably, was still him, had actually ceased to exist. Shouldn't he know about that?

But he didn't.

In a way, hadn't he been the one to experience this? But he hadn't. Nothing had happened. He hadn't even dreamed about it when he'd fallen asleep in the infirmary.

Rodney now understood that this feeling that had been lurking inside him was a desperate need to know more. And as he realised what it truly was, it rose to a level where it could no longer be ignored or denied.

He should remember... Why couldn't he?

Rodney closed his eyes, thinking back.

_"Within seconds the control room was flooded."_

Seconds. And then he'd died.

Rodney tried to imagine, driven by the urge to understand what had happened to him. He shut out his surroundings, picturing what it must have been like.

He thought of the Gateroom, dimmed to darkness. No power and hundreds of feet of ocean between the City and the night sky above... There would have been very little light.

Somehow, dying in the dark was even worse.

And the ocean, pouring in from... everywhere, all at once. Dark and cold and so fast... Rising higher and higher as Atlantis stayed on the bottom of the sea... He could see it coming, but now it was too late, now there was no escape. Only certain, cold, horrible death...

Just like all the rest of the expedition had died. He hadn't been able to save them.

_"It's too little, too late. Most of the rooms are already breached. We've got people trapped and water rising."_

Rodney frowned without opening his eyes or discontinuing his experiment. Something strange was happening... He could hear voices now, people speaking... One of the voices was his own. His imagination must be better than he thought.

_"I'll try to override the system, open the doors, but it's seriously hampering the efforts to repower the Stargate."_

_It was too late. Somehow, he already knew that, as certainly as if it had already happened. All he could do now, all he needed to do now, was to keep trying to save the others. To make sure someone lived through this catastrophe._

_He felt the doomed City shaking around him, below him... And he knew there were only scant minutes left before the whole beautiful City of Atlantis was flooded, submerged forever._

_"These ships turn out to be our only way out of here - I don't want you waiting too long to get up to the bay."_

Rodney frowned again. That was Elizabeth's voice... The young, alternative Elizabeth. He didn't answer her...

_"Rodney!"_

He'd heard that tone in her voice so many times before. She was frightened, trying to stay in control.

Or had he heard it before? How could he have? He'd died back there...

_"Yes, yes, yes. I heard. Go."_

_Go. Maybe you can still live. I died with Atlantis._

Rodney shook his head. There were images now, moving, blurred, like a dream.

_A nightmare. But he couldn't wake up. This was real._

_He was going to die._

It wasn't just a thought, it was a realisation of an indisputable fact. As Rodney felt the certainty of this knowledge, he also knew suddenly that this wasn't simply his imagination any more. That wasn't his thought, it hadn't come from his own mind; not himself, sitting in a cozy room in a living Atlantis.

It was the thought of his doomed alternative self, the one who had sacrificed his life in a futile effort to save someone, anyone...

It wasn't him!

Panicked, Rodney jerked himself to his feet, opening his eyes and coming back to the present reality, his reality, with an effort born of desperation.

Something was wrong, and now Rodney was really frightened.

As he stared at the familiar walls of his room, at his desk, his laptop, all the well-known and important clutter on his floor, gasping for breath and trying to get away from the other reality that was playing itself out inside his mind... Everything started to fade, images merging into one...

_The control room, but not as he'd seen it before. All the consoles were dark, dead. The Gate below was still and useless._

"No!" Rodney gasped, his voice no more than a whisper. "No, it's not real!"

But then the dark Gateroom was all there was, and the other reality pulled him in...

_Grodin had stayed. Rodney assumed this meant he wanted to. He knew the risk as well as anyone did, and it was his own choice. Rodney was grateful for the help, the support, and he certainly didn't have time to argue. Besides, what did it really matter at this point? _

_There were several sickening "thuds". Rodney hardly needed to glance at the information in front of him to verify what that meant. He already knew, had expected this._

_"What was that?"_

_"Bulkhead doors leading out of the control room have all slammed shut, we're locked in."_

_He was surprised at how calm he sounded. At least, he supposed, if he couldn't do anything important with his wasted life, he could die with dignity. Thank God for small favours._

_"Can you get it open?"_

_Elizabeth's voice over the radio. Rodney was already doing his best, but he knew that this too, was futile. He wasn't getting out of this._

_"I'm trying!"_

_There was a horrible sound then: the sound of water running, seeping, dripping..._

_Rodney stepped quickly to the balcony, saw the worst below him in the large, atrium-like Gateroom. Water. Coming up very, very quickly. No way he could get out now. He'd known it, expected it, and now it had happened, and he was afraid he couldn't face it._

_But it didn't matter, because all choice in the matter was long gone. Rodney turned back from the sight of it to meet Grodin's frozen stare._

_"Forget it. The Gateroom's flooded."_

_He didn't even need to look. He could see it in his mind, knew how impossibly fast it was rising, even with his back turned._

_Elizabeth's voice in his ear, "Get them open and get up here! We're waiting for you!"_

_She still didn't understand, or maybe she just didn't want to._

_"Elizabeth, I'm going to keep trying to retract the roof. As soon as it opens, you go." It was much easier to say that than to tell her point-blank that he might as well already be dead for all the chance of escape he had._

_"Rodney!"_

_"Look, there's no time to argue." He could hear his voice starting to break now as the ocean filled half of the Gateroom and climbed higher every second. "Catastrophic failure is imminent. Just lock yourself in, and go."_

_Then there was silence on the other end of the radio, and Rodney focussed on trying to retract the roof so the others might have a chance at escaping this wonderful City that they had inadvertently turned into a deathtrap. He knew Grodin was also doing his best behind him, and he could only hope something would come of it all._

_No one spoke as the black water swirled higher and higher. The only sound was the ocean seeping in, hundreds, thousands of gallons of it moment by moment._

_There wasn't enough time._

_Rodney turned his head to gaze into the death below him, all too rapidly coming nearer._

_He wished he'd done more with his life. He had thought... hoped he could do something great, something someone would be proud to remember him for, something wonderful for all of mankind. He'd thought this expedition, this Ancient City had been that something. And now it seemed he'd been wrong._

_All he could do now was keep on trying till the end, striving to save the few people left, to do something good in the last moments of his life._

_Elizabeth had been a good friend to him. He'd miss her, if there was a life after death. Maybe he wouldn't have the chance to miss her for long, though..._

_Carson, another friend he'd let down. Carson, who if he wasn't dead already, would almost certainly be within minutes, all because of Rodney's failure. Rest in peace, my friend..._

_And then there was Sheppard. Rodney had only really met him mere weeks earlier, despite having seen and spoken to him a couple of times before that. He'd hardly known him, but he'd liked him. Somehow... he felt a sense of loss, of having missed something wonderful by not having had the time to get to know Major Sheppard better._

_Samantha Carter... The exquisite Colonel Carter. No doubt she would have been able to save the entire expedition, to have stopped the City from flooding, if she had come. Irrationally, he hoped she'd gain a slight respect for him in the unlikely event that the SGC ever found out what had happened to them._

_And Jeannie. His sister would never know how he'd died. They hadn't spoken in years, but he'd never stopped caring about her. Now, he'd never be able to tell her that._

_He was leaving so much behind, more than he'd even realised he'd had. There was so much he wanted to do, and now he'd never be able to do any of it. So many people he'd never see again._

_And the same went for all the rest of the expedition._

_This was all so wrong..._

_Rodney raised his eyes to where he knew the stars of this galaxy were shining, somewhere far beyond the drowning Atlantis and its ill-fated and now eternal guests. And he did something he hadn't done in years: he prayed. Prayed that someone would live. That somehow, impossible as his reason told him it was, things would turn out all right. That this wouldn't all be for nothing._

_And then he bent back to his task of trying to open the roof on the bay which housed the Ancients' ships, refusing to let himself give up just yet._

_But he had to recognise that it was too late when the water began licking his shoes over the edge of the balcony he stood on. Seconds later, it was up to his waist as the ocean poured in faster and faster._

_He started treading water, knowing that this was the end. Quickly, the gap was closing between him and the roof as the precious little air was replaced with cold, unbreathable saltwater._

_He could hear Grodin splashing around behind him, but he didn't turn to look. He didn't have anything to say, and he knew Grodin understood that. What could you say when you were both dying, and had known it would happen? Grodin was a good man. Too bad he had to die along with everyone else._

_It hadn't been worth all these lives. So many of them had been so young... He didn't know the name of that young Lieutenant, but he was obviously just a kid. That's all so many of them had been. Kids sent to their deaths, so far from home, so worthlessly._

_Still, somehow, it all had such a sense of unreality._

_There were only a few inches of air left when Rodney felt the shock. There must have been some latent power left in the consoles - enough to be fatal. Rodney's numbed mind told him that the water must have gotten in and the current had carried through the saltwater; saltwater was an excellent conductor. He should have realised that, he thought as he lost control of his body. A frantic, familiar voice shouted in his ear and dissolved into static, and the world around him went from dimness to total darkness._

_At least drowning wouldn't be so bad this way. He hadn't been looking forward to that. He could hardly feel the cold around him any more, and when the air emptied unbidden from his lungs, and the water filled them instead, it didn't hurt. It didn't even hurt when his heart fluttered its final beat as his body gave out._

_There was no pain as he felt himself die._

_Nothing._

_... Then, suddenly, there was light._

_Beautiful white light, all around him. And blissful warmth. The cold, wet darkness was gone._

_Was this what it was like to be dead? Huh, in that case, he might have tried it earlier._

_Rodney realised his eyes were closed, and for a moment, he didn't feel like opening them. He just wanted to lie basking in the wonder of it forever. But his curiosity overcame him, and he looked anyway._

_He was standing, not lying, in light. No floor, no walls, no ceiling. Nothing physical whatsoever, barring himself, in a world of the most beautiful light he'd ever seen._

_Rodney looked around, smiling. Anything was better than drowning, but this was much better._

_"Rodnee MahKay?"_

_Rodney turned to find the owner of the voice he didn't recognise, addressing him by name in an oddly accented voice._

_It was a girl. By her appearance, she couldn't be more than twenty, and possibly far less. There was a sort of agelessness to her pale, childlike face that made her age very difficult to estimate. She was dressed in a long white garment which, though simply designed, had obviously not originated on Earth. She had long, long golden hair, some of which was elaborately arranged on top of her head, while the rest fell in a shining sunshine cascade down her back. She seemed to be surrounded by a gentle haze of light, more as if she were producing it herself than reflecting her surroundings._

_"Rodnee MahKay?" she asked again, pronouncing the unfamiliar syllables a little uncertainly._

_Rodney was still staring. He didn't know what to think, let alone what to say. He was dead... And now there was some little girl he'd never seen before talking to him. By name, no less._

_Oh well. Really only one thing to do._

_"Hi," he said, rather feebly, and lifted the corner of his mouth in a bewildered half-smile._

_The girl bowed her head slightly, responding with a small smile of her own._

_Rodney decided to clear one thing up for good, before this went any farther. He inclined his head and pointed behind him with one thumb. "I did just, ah, die, right?"_

_A trace of a frown crossed the girl's face, then quickly disappeared. "Yes," she answered simply._

_"Okay. Good. I just, ah, I thought I'd ask." He paused, eyeing the girl who continued to gaze back quietly. "Look, um... If I am dead... Uh, I mean, is this what being dead is always like?"_

_"No."_

_"Okay... Um, so who are you?" All he could come up with was that she was his guardian angel or something. He would usually have decided that she a figment of his own deranged mind, but that didn't really make sense now that he was dead._

_She smiled and lifted her chin with a certain amount of pride. "I am called Vestra."_

_She seemed disappointed when Rodney showed no signs of knowing the name. "Uh, nice to meet you. I'm Rodney - Doctor Rodney McKay," he added automatically._

_She smiled. "I know."_

_"Right, so you do." _

_"You are from Earth, that is so?"_

_Rodney blinked. He didn't know why it mattered now, but he was perfectly willing to strike up a conversation. Hey, maybe he was supposed to entertain people for the rest of his afterlife. He didn't know. All he could do was roll with the punches._

_It was only when he started talking that he realised how much he missed the homeworld he'd never see again. "Yes... Yes, I was." He gulped, suddenly very lonely._

_"How did you come to the City of Atlantis?" Rodney looked up to see that for the first time, there was an eager light in her blue eyes. Of course they were blue, Rodney couldn't help but think. It seemed to go with the image. Maybe she was some kind of a trick; she was really too perfect, somehow. Though once again... Didn't make much sense now he was dead. And he was sure of that. Well, pretty sure._

_The girl - Vestra - was leaning forward expectantly now, as if she was waiting for something. Rodney blinked at her, not sure what she expected. "What?" he asked._

_She sighed, but did not relax. "How did you come to the City of Atlantis?" she repeated word for word._

_"Oh yes, you asked me that..." He turned around in a circle, vainly searching for the Gate, and seeing, of course, only empty light. He threw his hands up in frustration. "Uh, we came through the Stargate. The big, round-"_

_"I know of what you speak," she cut him off._

_Rodney blinked some more, rather offended, as always, that someone had interrupted him. Then he shrugged, not sure it really mattered anyway._

_"How did you obtain the additional power to establish the wormhole to this galaxy?" Rodney straightened his shoulders in surprise, staring at her for a couple of seconds as something started to fall into place. "You're a scientist?"_

_"Yes, I am."_

_Rodney, after one more moment of staring, launched into an explanation, suddenly much more sure of himself. "We, uh, we found a power source we call a Zero Point Module. They were designed by the Ancients, the race who built the Stargates, and Atlantis..." He watched her break into a smile that seemed to literally shine, like everything in this place. Something clicked in Rodney's mind. "You know, don't you? You're an Ancient?"_

_"Yes," she nodded. She took several steps forward, and Rodney realised for the first time how small she was. Her face was only on a level with his chest. "And you know of us, so many years after our extinction. That is wonderful."_

_"Yes, we've been trying to learn about your race, studied what you left behind." Rodney was growing enthusiastic now, too. "That's how we found Atlantis..."_

_He trailed off, seeing her expression change. "What?"_

_"Atlantis is no more," she stated sorrowfully._

_"You talk as if it was alive." He made it half a question._

_Vestra turned to look up at him, questioning in her own right. "And do you have such a different definition of Life?"_

_And Rodney felt he understood her deep sorrow as he gazed down into her clear eyes. "No, I guess not." He paused, not sure how to continue. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "It was our fault." He sighed, shaking his head with a frown. "I wish we'd never come."_

_"Do not say that!"_

_Rodney was surprised by her passionate reaction. "Why? Why not? I mean, my entire expedition is all dead - two hundred people!" His voice was rising now as he thought about it. "And we managed to destroy the very City we'd come to find in the bargain! I - I'd never seen anything so... amazing. It was wonderful, and now we've been the cause of its destruction."_

_"You are explorers?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do not blame yourself. Exploration is always... dangerous. It is a necessary risk, though often a fatal one." She was frowning now, but with a slight shake of her head, she changed the subject, talking before Rodney could decide how to reply._

_"You admire my Atlantis?" She was smiling again now._

_"Yours?"_

_She pulled herself up to her full height. "I was one of the crew who designed and built it."_

_"Really? You?" Rodney grinned, but not in the least mockingly. "That's... that's amazing! I mean, really. I only wish we'd had more time..."_

_"As do I, Rodnee MahKay." She placed her hand on his arm, and he smiled down at her. "You have given me hope."_

_"But... Atlantis was flooded."_

_Again the sadness crossed her face. "Yes. But at least I know our race does not die out completely. We live on in you."_

_"Me?" Rodney asked, pointing to himself._

_"Your kind," she smiled._

_"You didn't know about us?" She shook her head. "But, you're ascended, right?"_

_"I am. But it is part of my choice, my sentence, that I know nothing of my people beyond the fact that they left Atlantis to return to Earth... And eventually died, having never returned to this City."_

_"You've been here, all alone? For ten thousand years?" Rodney asked in disbelief._

_"Yes."_

_"Well, why didn't you go with the rest of your people? Surely you didn't need to stay here. I mean, if you're ascended..."_

_"I chose to remain and watch over my City."_

_"Oh." Rodney stood, taking this all in for a minute. Then he abruptly looked up again, a thought having entered his mind. "Woah, woah - wait a second. If you're ascended... What am I doing here? Am I ascended?" "No. You have only died, Rodnee MahKay. Ascension is a step onwards, not merely the beginning of the path."_

_"Right. So I'm dead."_

_Vestra cocked her head a little to one side. "No."_

_"But you said-"_

_"You have died. However, you are not dead."_

_"And I'm not ascended either?" Rodney was very confused now._

_"No, but you may choose to be. That is why I am here."_

_"You... you're actually offering me the chance to ascend?" Rodney asked, grey eyes wide._

_"You and your expedition gave me such hope. I could not let you die, Rodnee MahKay."_

_"Um... Thanks. And, uh, call me Rodney."_

_"Very well," she nodded her acknowledgement._

_"So, what about..." He waved one hand around, unsure of how to phrase his question._

_Vestra saved him the trouble. "The rest of your people have also died. They also may choose to ascend." Rodney looked at her with a sort of wondering gratitude. "You mean... All of them?"_

_"Nearly. The ones called-" She closed her eyes, apparently thinking, and continued, "Major John Shepp-ard, Doctor Eleezabeth Weir, and Doctor Rahdek Zelenka..." She opened her eyes, a queer expression on her face._

_Rodney's heart sank. "What? Are they dead? I mean, dead dead?"_

_"No. They are alive."_

_"Oh... thank God!" His relief couldn't have been clearer. _

_"But they are now in our past. Atlantis' past. This is most interesting."_

_Rodney shook his head. "The past? How is that possible?"_

_A soft smile graced her face. "Janus."_

_"Janus?" Rodney thought for a minute, then snapped his fingers as the name rang a bell. "Janus! As is the Roman god of Time?"_

_Vestra turned to look at him. "On your world? Such would be a fitting title for him."_

_"So, the ships were Time machines?"_

_"Only one."_

_Another thought hit Rodney as he watched Vestra's expression grow more distant. "But if they've gone back... How far?"_

_"They have travelled to the last great siege of Atlantis. When my people left."_

_"But... Doesn't that change-?"_

_"Potentially - everything. Come, I wish to show you something."_

_She held out a hand to him. Rodney took it unhesitatingly. This... It had to be the most wonderful adventure of his life. It had turned out to not be worthless after all._

_As Rodney took Vestra's hand, he felt a tingling spread throughout his body - or what he perceived to be his body. Then the light was gone, and they were standing outside._

_Well, not exactly standing: for hundreds of feet beneath them, there was nothing but air. Rodney found that, strangely, he wasn't disturbed by the height. Somehow, it seemed natural to be standing on nothing. The stars above them - unfamiliar stars, each holding unknown possibilities that made Rodney ache with curiosity - shone in the clear of the night. And below was the ocean. But the ocean was far from peaceful. There was a huge turmoil directly below them. Rodney realised with something akin to heartbreak that it was the escaped air from the sunken City coming to the surface._

_"My City was everything to me for millennia," Vestra told him softly. "Only now, I have more."_

_"But it's gone," Rodney reminded her as gently as he could. "And I really don't think, dead or not, that we're worth that much. Not after you've lost your City."_

_Vestra, unexpectedly, shook her head, another shining smile lighting her face, making her form gleam brighter in the Lantean night. "No. My City and your expedition will live on."_

_"How can that be?" Rodney honestly wanted to know._

_"The Time ship carrying your three friends was attacked. By the Wraith." Rodney frowned at the word "friends": he wasn't sure he would go that far. He didn't do friends. But he was subsequently distracted by the unfamiliar race mentioned by Vestra._

_"The Wraith? What are they?"_

_"They are our enemy," she explained, her face, her entire form literally darkening. "A vicious race who sought to destroy us. It was because of them that we were forced to return to Earth. And it was as a defense against them that Atlantis was submerged. The Time Ship has taken your three expedition members to the center of our final battle."_

_"And...?" Rodney didn't try to hide his anxiety._

_"The ship was destroyed. Only one of your kind survived."_

_"Who?"_

_"Eleezabeth Weir. Janus... My earlier self alerted him to their presence, and he found the ship as it crashed, and rescued her. The others were beyond his help. I have helped them, as I did for you and the others."_

_"So someone did survive to meet your people." Rodney grinned. "That's one of the things we originally hoped for, to talk to you, find out more about who you were."_

_Vestra did not seem to hear him. "Janus and I were betrothed."_

_"Oh," Rodney said awkwardly._

_"My life was nearing its end, however, and I chose to ascend. I knew vaguely of his life after our people's return to Earth... He was so full of the wonders of the Universe, he wished to discover all its secrets." Her eyes turned to Rodney, still smiling. "You remind me of him."_

_"Um..." Rodney struggled, flattered, but not sure what to say in reply. "Uh, thanks," he eventually muttered._

_"Eleezabeth Weir tells Janus of your expedition."_

_Rodney knew what this would mean to the timeline, at least somewhat. "What will happen?"_

_She suddenly glowed with a beautiful unearthly light, one Rodney could have sworn his eyes couldn't have withstood. But, on the contrary, he could even still see her smiling through the brilliance surrounding her. "I think, Rodnee, that this catastrophe will be averted, with the help of my Janus, your Eleezabeth Weir... and myself."_

_"You mean Atlantis won't flood?" He could feel her joy, so strong it coursed through him as well, making him smile widely in return._

_"No, it will rise to the surface of the ocean once more. Your people will survive. And you will reawaken my City to its former glory, Rodnee."_

_Vestra reached out with her other hand, and took both his in her own. Her radiance lit up the night, and on the edges of his vision, he could see people now. Grodin, Sheppard, Carson, Zelenka, that young Lieutenant... all of them, except Elizabeth, who would ensure that this timeline never came about. Rodney looked down at Vestra happily. It would all be right after all._

_As the last breath of the dying Atlantis bubbled to the surface of the ocean, and the first rays of Lantea's sun brushed the horizon, Rodney could feel the timelines shifting, colliding..._

Rodney felt something hard against his back and the side of his face. Hard... and real.

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, haunted by what he'd just gone through second-hand.

Above him and around him was his own room in Atlantis. Safe. As was everyone in it. Not dead - in any sense of the word.

He let out a shaky sigh of relief and started to climb to his feet. This turned out to be a great deal more difficult than he'd expected. The dream, vision, whatever it had been - had obviously drained him physically to the point of exhaustion. He was shaking all over, and had to grab the edge of his bed and struggle to finally get himself up and collapse onto it.

It didn't happen. He couldn't understand, but somehow, he'd seen his own alternate past, as an observer inside his own alternate self. He almost wished he could, but somehow, he knew he'd never be able to dismiss what he'd just experienced as a mere dream.

Rodney lay shuddering on the bed, trying to ignore the unwanted images his mind called up of his own death. "Idiot," he muttered, drawing a hand weakly across his face. "God, that was stupid..."

"Yes, it was, Rodnee."

Rodney sat up with such a start that he almost overbalanced onto the floor again.

There was no doubt about it, if seeing was believing: there in front of him stood Vestra. The same spiritual, childlike face, same sunlight hair, even the same dress.

"Vestra!"

"Yes," she nodded, but she wasn't smiling.

"How... I thought..."

"The changes to the timeline did not affect my decision, Rodnee," she told him calmly. "I still remained. Janus did not tell Eleezabth Weir, but I have a certain ability to repower depleted ZedPMs. He knew of this; it was crucial to Atlantis and your team surviving."

"Oh," Rodney said, still not up to any kind of intelligent conversation.

"I have been present, observing you and your expedition since you arrived," she went on. "You have made surprising progress."

"Thanks," replied Rodney dully.

"You do not feel well?" Vestra inquired innocently.

"No," Rodney groaned, slumping back down on his bed. "What just happened exactly?"

"You experienced the alternative timeline described by Eleezabeth Weir."

"I know that, " he muttered unhappily. "How?"

Rodney didn't see Vestra's expression soften, but he heard her voice chiding him gently. "The path not travelled should not be explored."

"But I didn't-" he started to insist, then stopped short.

"You did, Rodnee, " she corrected. "It was your desire to access your possible past, and because of the timelines clashing at this point in the TimeSpace continuum, you succeeded."

"Woohoo," Rodney said without a single hint of enthusiasm.

"Perhaps this will teach you to stay away from what you do not understand," Vestra said, again seeming innocent.

Rodney was feeling too ill to pick up on the irony, and merely snorted.

But he looked up as he felt a cool hand laid on his forehead. Vestra's blue eyes were gazing down at him. "You need sleep, Rodnee, nothing more."

"Maybe, but I feel more like I need someone to put me out of my misery." He could feel his stomach starting to rebel now. Yay, nausea. He loved that. Besides which, he could sense a headache the size of the worst migraine ever lurking in the background. Furthermore, he _did_ need sleep; and judging from the images assaulting his inner eye, sleep was going to be out of the question for weeks.

But Vestra just smiled a small, sweet smile, and laid her other hand on his chest. The air around the two of them began to glow with the soft white radiance Rodney had seen only in the alternate reality he had visited - and one other time, when he'd met another ascended Ancient. Immediately, all the pain and discomfort disappeared as if it had never existed, leaving Rodney feeling a pleasant floaty sensation, as if he was suspended in a warm, deep, sunlit ocean. It was absolutely wonderful.

Dreamily, he realised there was something he wanted to tell Vestra. Now seemed to be a good time. He looked up into the blue eyes above him, and murmured sleepily, "I'm sorry we sank Atlantis..."

She smiled at him beautifully, prompting him to smile in return. "You have more than made up for what you inadvertently caused in an alternate timeline, Rodnee, simply by giving me hope that my City will live on."

As Vestra bent her face down towards Rodney, her hair fell in a shining curtain around them both. Rodney continued to stare up at her, feeling happier and more content than he had in a long time.

"Sleep, Rodnee," she murmured.

He was not about to argue. The feeling of comfort increased, and Rodney sighed, allowing his eyes to fall shut and savouring the sensation flowing through him. As he drifted into slumber, he heard Vestra's voice above him.

"My people live on in you and yours, Rodnee. I will never let harm fall to your friends. And to you least of all."

Then Rodney was safely lost to the world, and Vestra smiled down at his peacefully sleeping face. What she had done would heal all his ills, both physical and mental.

She'd come to consider it her job to take care of Rodney since he'd arrived in Atlantis. She had looked into the minds of all of the humans when they had first arrived, and knew that Rodney loved her City almost as much as she herself did. In his quest to explore it and discover its secrets, he often got into trouble.

She had had occasion to intervene before now - when the energy creature had escaped, for instance. She had watched as the people from Earth had tried to find a way to return it to its prison, only to be baffled at every turn by the creature's surprising intelligence. She had felt their fear, Rodney's fear of the unfightable unknown, and his loneliness as he struggled with the thought of never being able to return to his home. She had watched proudly as he had faced all this, and had gone to what he was sure was his death to save the others of his kind. She had refused to let him die when the creature had drained the power from the personal shield device. She'd protected him until the creature had gone through the Stargate. At the time, there had been no reason to reveal her presence to him, so she had merely put him to sleep, briefly. He had woken, disoriented and happy, to find that his new friends now trusted him. And he had not remembered how Vestra had shielded him with her own power as the shield's had given out.

Vestra stroked her sleeping scientist's cheek, and bent to kiss his forehead lightly. He was not her Janus... But she still hoped one day for his return. And for the sake of her betrothed, the shining star of her race, she would take care of this human who shared his brilliance, his curiosity - and his recklessness when pursuing knowledge or protecting others.

He would need her to watch over him. And she was more than glad to do so; he was the hope of her City. He was _her_ hope.

She took the blanket crumpled at the end of his bed, and gently covered him with it. He would remember everything upon awakening, something her people would have, perhaps, not approved of. But taking knowledge gained from those who had gained it was a terrible thing to do. He had experienced his fate in the alternate timeline and discovered her existence fairly and on his own. She had made sure he survived to use that knowledge, and now she would not steal it from him.

She was glad he knew her now. All had turned out for the best.

Smiling, Vestra took one of Rodney's hands in her own, then dissolved into light... And was gone to watch over the Atlantis expedition invisibly until they should need her again.

... Rodney woke an hour later feeling better than he had ever felt in his entire life. He didn't even bother to sit up, just stared at the ceiling above him dreamily for a while.

There was a knock at his door. "McKay?"

He sat up, tossing off the blanket that had been covering him. "Come in," he called.

The door opened to admit John Sheppard. "Weir and Beckett wanted to know where you were, so I thought I'd come see what you were up to."

Actually, John had realised he hadn't seen Rodney since the old Weir had died. Asking around, he'd found no one else had either. And, since it was very unlike Rodney to retreat to his room without a word in the early morning, Weir and Beckett's request that he go check on the scientist had really been unnecessary. Seeing Rodney smiling almost drunkenly at him gave him more cause for concern.

"You all right McKay?" he asked warily, looking around briefly for a cup of some sort. Rodney was not the drinking type, but it was very possible he had felt the urge to forget some of the last twenty-four hours temporarily, and goodness knew there was enough moonshine available on the Base. He'd heard tell that Zelenka, for one, had quite a brewery going somewhere in the lower regions of the City.

Hearing he had drowned had really disturbed Rodney, and though John had tried to take his mind off it at the time, he'd known there was only so much he could ever do to help the scientist. Rodney didn't really let anyone in enough to make things all right again after something like this. John just did his best.

"Yeah, I'm great," replied Rodney, with an unusually chirpy tone. "Never been better."

"Oooookay..." Sheppard said, raising his eyebrows. "What have you been doing? I might want to try it."

"Ah, I was just, ah... sleeping, actually."

John nodded, and grinned. Rodney's fit of goodwill was unusual, sure, but it was also contagious. "Must have been one hell of a dream."

Rodney laughed, eyes wandering into the distance. "Yeah, it was."

John decided there was nothing really wrong - probably. Just Rodney having a weird moment. Dreams could do that to you; he might not even be entirely awake. John thought he'd check back later. "Right. Guess I'll catch you later then, Rodney."

"Okay," Rodney said. John shot him one last odd look, got an uncharacteristically cheerful wave from Rodney, and headed out the door.

Rodney sighed and rested his chin on one hand, letting his thoughts wander. Not only did he feel absolutely perfect, but the alternate reality was no longer haunting him. The memories were still there, but the horror of them was no longer sharp, and they had been tucked away safely where they could do no harm. And now he knew it really was all right.

Vestra... Suddenly, he remembered. He'd known the name had nudged something in his mind. _Vesta,_ Roman goddess of the home and the hearth, she who remained and kept the eternal flame of life burning. The goddess with only a single, six-sided temple in all of Rome - the most important of all, for it had been said that when the flame of that temple was extinguished, Rome would fall.

The flame of Atlantis was still alight, and Rodney hoped to keep it that way for a long, long time.

**The End**

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_Author's Note: So, there you have it. :) All reviews will be read avidly, and possibly printed out and hung up on my wall as trophies. Actually, I will be particularly interested to hear what everyone thinks of this fic, as it's got a lot of things that could be termed "stupid", and also (I think) a lot of good points, all jumbled together. I do sincerely hope that the public sentiment is more towards enjoyment, though, I'll admit. ;) Thanks so much for reading, all reviewers help yourselves to candy, and I'll be back again soon... :)_


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